Reality Frights

9 Halloween Costume Ideas Inspired By Our Current Reality

Hey, it’s okay– I haven’t figured out my Halloween costume either.

In fact, every year I seem to wait until about 6 hours into actual Halloween to begin thinking about what I’m wearing, which generally results in me hurriedly running yardage through a sewing machine and making a giant mess. Despite a virtual lack of pre-planning, this process seems to work great for me every time, and has resulted in a series of highly conceptual looks using things I already had around my closet and house. This makes a lot of sense when you consider that most of the things I keep around my closet and house are basically Halloween costumes in their own right.

This year, however, I’m trying something new– I’m brainstorming my costume ideas ahead of time. It’s a crazy concept, I know. The way I see it, there’s no need to cobble together yet another last minute Squid Game-inspired ensemble or sexy bumble bee getup when the world we’re all living in is terrifying enough as it is. Scrolling through my news feed and going about my day, I’m faced with a number of frightening aspects of reality that could translate well into Halloween looks with a little craftiness and some imagination. 

At any rate, If you’re in a bind around how to dress this Halloween, may I suggest one or more of the following:

Post-Lockdown Anxiety

Guess what? Halloween parties are officially on the calendar which means we have to once again talk to people, and mean it. Socializing in the wake of the past year can sometimes feel like slipping into uncomfortable shoes after wearing a pair of cushy slippers for months– a literal experience that being social somehow also involves. And then there’s the confusion over masks and vaccinations. Do we take the mask off indoors or keep it on? Are the people standing next to us at the event carrying more than just an overstuffed handbag and several weather-related small talk prompts? For this costume, I recommend covering your entire body in disposable masks, drawing on a permanently furrowed brow, and only responding to people via text message– even if they’re directly in front of you. 

The Price Of Rent

The real horror. Did you know you can photocopy documents at FedEx Kinkos up to several feet tall? Simply email your lease to your nearest copy facility and get it blown up to sandwich board-size. Mount the image on cardboard, attach some elastic straps, and trace around the details in glitter glue. Don’t worry– this look is budget friendly, just like the last 3 instant meals you ate. Paint a big frown on your face, and pull on those sneakers with the holes in them that you wear to and from the mailbox on the 1st of each month. Watch millennial partygoers scatter in fright.

Normcore

I couldn’t believe this was an actual fashion trend 5 years ago and I’m honestly still in disbelief. Intentionally dressing like Danny Tanner should be criminal, but if you’re like me and  your everyday outfits get generally classified as Halloween costumes, pulling on elastic waist jeans and a grandpa sweater is sure to make all your friends jump out of their skin. It will be just like those goth makeover episodes of Maury from the mid-nineties. Borrow a brown wig, and only make the smallest of talk the entire evening. If anything, it will make dressing for the rest of the year seem like a party. 

A Vampire with Terrible Self Esteem

Put on an ill-fitting dress in a drab color, glue in some obvious fangs, and tape a sign to your back that says “I Suck”. Mope around all night, second guess everything, and consider that you really aren't acting that different from how you usually are at parties...

A Tik Tok Dance Trend

How are these even a thing and how have they been a thing for so long? I feel like all you need for this costume is a selfie stick and a lot of caffeine. Why simply make conversations, when you can “Vibe” them out. Pull on a fitted white sweat set, comb out your eyebrows, and flutter-hand your way through the evening. You can’t dance with anyone but you CAN saunter up beside them– Tik Tok Duet-style, and copy their every move. Honestly this would scare the fuck out of me. Mission accomplished. 

Global Warming

The greatest villain of our time is all around us, ruining our summer with floods and extreme temperatures, but potentially giving us all an LA-style winter, which sounds cool only if you ignore the devastating impact it will have on our ecosystem, and focus instead on all the cute Autumn outfits you might get to rock well into January. Hey, I’m just trying to stay positive here. There are so many ways to cobble a global warming Halloween costume together that I’m just going to leave you with a list of potential materials including but not limited to: ski’s and a bikini, paper maps and lighter fluid, orange self tanner and a winter coat, a polar bear suit and a pair of sunglasses, a santa beard and a surfboard, a variety of objects that were ruined when your basement apartment flooded 2 months ago and some hot glue.

The House Plant Phenomenon

This is the perfect costume for the party-going wallflower. Cut a hole in the bottom of a lightweight planter and stick your legs through. Suspend from your shoulders and then stuff the planter with greenery. Retreat to a corner, tuck your knees up into your chest, and spend the night eavesdropping on juicy conversations and getting watered with well drinks. Know you’re vastly improving the backdrop of everyone’s selfies. My disclaimer here is that I don’t actually find houseplants scary at all, I just really want somebody to do this.

Free the Nipple

Confusing the algorithm calls for confusing nudity. Why stop at just 2 nipples when you can strive for an infinite amount? Pull on your nicest pair of panties and glue or draw fake nipples like polka dots all over your torso, back, legs, and face. Post a selfie on instagram and cackle with delight knowing you caused at least one bot meltdown at casa del Zuckerberg today.

A Spray Foam Mirror

I’ll be over here side-eyeing everyone who actually took the time to make one of these lumpy things last year. Fortunately, these make for really scary costume inspo. Dress all in silver and nuke an old picture frame with spray foam and paint. This would make a good couple’s costume along with the houseplant that I mentioned above. Here are some things you can do as a human mirror: Reflect (pun intended) on the regrettable decisions you made over the past 12 months. Tell people they look great. Dance really hard to Nico’s “I’ll be your mirror” which is counter intuitive because that song is slow and wistful, but any type of movement constitutes as rough when you’re dressed as a fragile object. And aren’t we all?