“How Are You” Is Dead
How David Letterman Cured My Social Anxiety
Among the many short lived hobbies I started during the pandemic, including afternoon workouts, growing a mullet, and devoting over an hour per day to the Unemployment “hold” line, watching several seasons of David Letterman’s Netflix special somehow ended up being the most useful investment of my time.
It wasn’t the harrowing story of Kim K’s robbery at gunpoint, or the tour of Lizzo’s covid-free home that stuck with me– though having empathy for celebrities is cool (they’re just like us). It was the fact that I was literally taking time to sit and watch two people have a conversation on TV, and I was loving it. Look, we were 8 months into 2020, and I was probably a little starved for social contact, which explains why I never started a Letterman habit back when he was on television nightly.
David Letterman made an entire career out of doing something that most of us do every single day- talking to people. Which is bizarre, because conversations are both free and abundant. You probably had several today already. This realization revealed two truths to me:
You can literally do anything and get paid for it
Most of the conversations I had been having were a total snooze
I took what I learned from watching my new friend David have interesting chats with uninteresting celebrities, and applied it to my own social life. And, the results were instantaneous: small talk was replaced by long talk– deep, interesting, and personal. I found common ground with people I had barely known for 10 minutes. I entered post pandemic social gatherings both vaccinated and anxiety-free.
small talk was replaced by long talk– deep, interesting, and personal. I found common ground with people I had barely known for 10 minutes. I entered post pandemic social gatherings both vaccinated and anxiety-freE
With party season upon us, I’d like to offer you the following guide to great conversation-ing. Alternately titled, How David Letterman Cured My Social Anxiety. Expect me to use a lot of metaphors about digging holes and finding treasure like some kind of conversation pirate. I hope it inspires you to have the most well connected holiday season ever, or at least, to switch on Letterman for research purposes this weekend.
“How Are You” is Dead
What does this phrase even mean? It’s so deeply existential that I can feel my face receding back into my neck every time I hear it. And don’t even get me started on “So...what do you do?”. Instead, try these impactful opening phrases:
“How have you been feeling today?”
“What is something you're excited about right now?”
“What’s been the best part of your day so far?”
“What have you done so far today?”.
To cushion the blow, I’ll lead with a familiar “How are you”, but immediately jump right into any of the above that feels appropriate. “Hey! How are you? What’s exciting in your life right now?”, has led me quickly into recent conversations involving out of town house guests, books I ought to read, and in one instance, the reattachment of severed fingers.
Connection is the Goal
By leading with a real question vs an overused meaningless trope, I eliminate the inevitable “I’m fine”, for something that extends far beyond talk that is small. Maybe I’ll learn that my friend has been feeling a bit blue lately since her beloved hamster died. Or that my neighbor is stoked about a movie he’s going to see later. Or that my coworker stumbled upon a neighborhood parade on their way to work this morning, and they’re honestly psyched to get a chance to explain how strange the costumes were to someone. Lead with intention, receive impactful answers. Connection is the goal.
Asking questions is all you need to know
I used to think having lots of wild and interesting things to yammer on about is what made me a great person to talk to at parties. It turns out it’s the opposite: the best conversationalists are the ones asking the questions. Every one of us is a walking treasure trove of passionate talking points and interesting topics, but no one likes to be lectured. By asking the questions, we give others the floor to tell us their hopes, dreams, challenges, and triumphs which, in turn, opens up space for us to share ours as well.
Ask, then ask again
Watching Letterman taught me that leading with questions is a bit like digging for treasure. One dip in, and we’ve barely scraped the soil. If you want to hit the good stuff, you’ve got to be willing to dig deep! Fortunately, most people love the opportunity to talk about themselves and you shouldn’t have to dig too far to get to the juicy juicy topics that are hiding behind “I’m okay” and “yeah the punch is pretty tasty”.
Imagine yourself holding the shovel
The key to asking the right questions is in the listening. If they tell you the punch is good, ask them what they enjoy most about it? Maybe it’s the brand of rum used, or maybe they love how the little orange slices float along the surface of the punch bowl. And, why do they love the orange slices so much? Perhaps they remind them of the bizarre food photographs in their collection of 1950s novelty cookbooks. Or maybe their grandma used to make the same punch when they were a kid growing up in Ohio. ...Ohio? Hey, you drove through there on a road trip this summer. We dug deep, and now we’ve hit the treasure.
The Treasure
The treasure is what you’re hunting for: common ground. It’s the connection that is buried below a surface of weather-related small talk. People sure do love to explain things to others, which is why there are currently over 19 million makeup tutorials that come up when you google “smokey eye”. Let’s stick with the punch reference above. The details of the party punch are moot to you— not only do you not drink, you’re also allergic to oranges. Brooding in the corner, cursing the party host’s choice in citrus fruits, quickly became boring. Yet now, with just a few curious questions, you’ve found common ground with another lonely party guest about that crazy diner in southern Ohio where you stopped for a roadside bite one night this past July, which is coincidentally the same diner she used to go as a gag in highschool with her buds. Don’t say oranges never did anything for you.
Don’t worry, you get to talk, too
I noticed that Letterman doesn’t ever dominate the conversation. He’s there to ask the impactful questions. He’s there to work the shovel, and yet, manages to set a balance between asking, listening, and contributing to the discussion. We all know it would be awkward and robotic to converse with exclusively questions. Just like nobody likes a lecture, nobody wants to be interrogated either. Once again, you’re searching for connection here, and once you’ve dug deep enough to find it, you get the chance to talk too– your new friend definitely wants to hear about all the other wacky stops on your summer road trip, and you know you’re just dying to share them.
Trust me, I’m not an expert
David Letterman is an expert. At least I think he is. I am not. I am a formerly awkward girl who used to oscillate wildly between having something to say whether people wanted to listen or not, and standing in the corner afterward like a dead battery, overthinking my next move. I’m probably still that person sometimes, and that’s okay. But I can come back to my treasure digging ideas here anytime the mood strikes me, and get the results I really want: connecting with friends and strangers alike on a deeper level. And at the very least– I can walk away knowing I was not the most awkward person at the social gathering.
I’ll be posting this piece in parts on my instagram this week. If you try this method out, please let me know in the comments! I would love to hear what you’ve been talking about.
