15 Places To Don A Face Mask Forever

The World is gross– Mask Up!

To mask or not to mask, that is the question. 

I embrace the face mask– admittedly, semi-reluctantly. As an avid lipstick-wearer, having to cover up the bottom half of my face is kind of a drag. I’m 34 years old. The wrinkles are beginning to set in around my eyes. But the attention I draw to them by covering up the rest of my face with a piece of cloth is still better than getting covid, right??

The politics around whether or not masks are effective at preventing illness make the act of wearing one feel oddly rebellious. Which is strange because I’m used to rebelling AGAINST what the government wants me to do. I based my entire personality off of that notion at age 16, so it’s a surprise to me now that in my undeniable adulthood I am pumping my fists in the air and exclaiming “Yeah! CDC!” like some drunken fan at a rock concert, waiting for a crowd-surfing Fauci to pass over me.

Wearing masks is not a new thing. Our pals in Asia have been doing this for decades and if their food, fashion ideas, and technological advancements are any indication, they seem to get most things right. We live on a big germy planet full of disgusting situations, and reducing the chance of those disgusting situations entering our noses and mouths is an idea I can get behind. 

Infectious diseases aside, lately I’ve found myself donning a mask in multiple situations where I realize I’m much better off with my mucus membranes blocked. I may be in full support of #NOFILTER on the ‘gram, but creating a barrier between my face holes and my everyday life has been an unexpected blessing. I mean, have you walked down a street in NYC? We’re hovering mere feet above the sewers that inspired both Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and The Penguin Man. Though sprouting extra limbs or animal features sounds cool in theory, doing everyday things like getting dressed or not terrorizing the city at large would be challenging at best. 

No matter your proximity to the sewer system or central Manhattan, here is a list of the many situations in life where wearing a mask will forever come in handy:

1. On the subway or bus: Have you ever noticed that public transportation is 100% disgusting? It’s like if you combined a toilet at a dive bar with a teenage boy’s musty bedroom, and put it on wheels. At rush hour you find yourself sandwiched between a man who has been steeping in his own urine for the past 12 years, and a teenage girl wearing enough Victoria’s Secret body spray to make you swear off bra shopping for the next decade. I don’t know which of these scents is worse, but I can tell you, neither should ever be entering your nostrils.

2. In public restrooms: I heard somewhere that scent is made up of tiny particles of the actual thing you’re smelling, which means we're all just bounding through life doing fat lines of whatever hits our senses along the way. Personally I’d rather not be snorting anything that I come across in a public restroom, including the overworked air freshener plugged into the corner. Never has donning a “face diaper” felt better.

3. At the doctor: Only a real sicko would complain about wearing a mask at the doctor. Nuff said.

4. At the two bars that still allow indoor smoking: Have you ever tried to enjoy a light hors d’oeuvre and an intimate conversation in the smoking section of a restaurant? It feels like some kind of endurance challenge written into a dating show spinoff on Netflix. Sorry to all my smoking readers– if you manage to find a spot in town that still lets you puff puff inside, I'll be masking up if I don’t decide to pass all together.

5. After your friend eats an entire bag of Cooler Ranch Doritos and you have to sit in the back of a cab with them for 15 minutes: Literally an hour after I wrote this I ended up in this exact scenario on the subway with a group of middle schoolers, and I’ve seldom been happier to have a piece of cloth stuck up my nostrils.

6. At the end of a bad date to avoid a courtesy kiss: Don’t ghost. Do mask up. It is Spooky Season, after all.

7. At the post office: This is the only place where negativity is both contagious, and contaminating every surface like a preschool during flu season. I used to live by a post office branch entitled Hells Gate (I am not joking, it’s in East Harlem). The lines were long and treacherous. The horrors I endured to mail shop orders and Christmas presents were unspeakable. I still feel like I need full protective gear to enter the post office and come out unscathed, but for now a mask– and printing my shipping labels from home– will have to do.

8. When using a fake ID that doesn’t really resemble you: I once did my teenage friend up in drag to avoid the bouncer at the club outing how obviously fake her identification card was– and it worked. If we had known in 2021 that your driver's license only needs to look like you from the eyes up, we would have been waking up with twice as many hangovers by senior year. 

9. When encountering particularly feisty dogs: Say goodbye to the old straight-from-another-dog’s-butt-into-your-mouth puppy tongue slip. Unless you’re into that sort of thing. 

10. When swatting large bugs: I had a particularly horrific experience last year involving a spatula and an exploding cockroach the size of my palm. Let’s just say, if I hadn’t been wearing a mask at the time, I would have had no choice but to burn my entire face off directly after

11. When you have to clean the cat box: How much space in your lungs is currently devoted to Multi Cat Clumping Formula, now with Febreeze?

12. When you forgot your breath mints: Goes great with garlic bread.

13. Slumlord properties: I contracted black mold poisoning in 2010 from my horrific, but incredibly affordable Seattle apartment. The building was infested with mice, the ceiling was starting to cave in, and the walls were filled with mildew. If only I’d been wearing a mask, I could have hung onto that sweet sweet $800 rent for at least another few months.

14. When you have nothing to say: Quietly slipping a mask on is a great way to avoid unwanted conversations at family reunions, baby showers, office mixers, and the bus stop.

15. When you’re sick, duh: Protecting others is cool, but you didn’t hear it from me.

Where will you wear your mask? Here are some good ones to inspire you: